NOTICE.
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AUTHOR: Rev J.A.McBean Sr
Copyright C 1998 Library of Congress Washington.D.C.20559
Proverbs 22:3 "A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished."
INTRODUCTION.
You might inquire on the purpose of this book. I've done extensive research on failed relationships and concluded that marriages could be saved if the engaging parties recieved training before they entered into that sacred arena.
A Marriage is a life long investment, it is not cheep either, one ring, one wedding gown, entertainment of guests, all this can mount up in the thousands, and leave a couple indebt even before they start out. Five years after my marriage we were still paying bills that we did not even know about.
The contents of this book will not surround sex because usally relationships are broken up long before sex becomes the paramount issue. Moreover, Sex is the only problem in marriage that can be fix with pills, good eating and good rest.
This book fills in for the pastors with little or no time. It is a teaching manual. I have done a few books based on marriages. I've discovered that many people who get married did not get any premarital council, nor do any snap course on the subject before they got married. Due to this lack of information, their lives are tangled up.
Men and women do not understand each other like how they profess. For example a woman is concerned on how cute she looks, while the man is more concern on her attitude and her availability. One cannot live with people if you do not understand them. And to understand people, you have to draw upon someone elses experience.
When people saw somebody that they think they are in love with, it is important that they bear in mind that what they are looking at is the person’s physical appearances. The person’s characters, attitudes, concept, upbringing, hurts and mind set are not reveals in their physical appearances. All of what you expect from that good looking body might not be available to you are anyone. It also make good sense not to get your hopes up when dealing with people.
MAKE SURE IT IS YOUR SIZE.
The Jamaican man walks in front while his wife walk behind or beside him. He is the head of his family and any day he finds out that he is not the head he will leave. If you do not agree with the culture do not bother to marry to the men, it is not going to work. This is just an example.
THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM.
This book is a counseling manual for those who are planning to get married. I will assume that you already have an occupation in place or is learning one.
I also want to assume that you have read many of my books about marriages. I also want to assume that you are not scared of Bible verses, because we will be using them. Before you consider getting married, have your own happiness before you get married. Have your own self esteem. Do not come looking to get these from another person. Dump out the baggage from the previous bad relationship. Get healing for that emotional cut. Burry the dead dog, and burn the dead cat, but do not bring them over.
THINGS THAT BREAK UP MARRIAGES.
The relationship falls apart because the couple did not cement the relationship. The marriage bond made their relationship legal between God and man. But, then we need to bear in mind that external forces can break up a marriage.
Matthew 19:5 (NASB-U) and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? Matthew 19:6 (NASB-U) "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
Therefore, the couple must have certain principles, establishes between them both, to stabilized the relationship. For example, you have to have a game plan how you two are going to deal with hear-says, because it is going to come. Many a marriage broken up at the work place lunch room, base on hear-says.
This book is to point out the marital ambushes along the way. One of the first culprit in downing a marriage is
“Power struggle”
Amos 3:3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE DEAD FISH AND ITS PAST BEHIND.
"Hear says”
“Money trouble”
“Sexual preferences”
It is important to know that each party is responsible for their mate sexual fulfillment; you cannot just ignore it or wish it away. You cannot push it aside and use it like a jukebox, whenever you have personal need and when you have the time. That is not how it works in God’s law. You have to think about your mate need and make adjustment for it. Some people do not think what they are getting into; they do things according to feelings.
1 Cor. 7:1-5 (NASB) Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. [2] But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. [3] Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. [4] The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. [5] Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Cor. 7:1-5 (KJV) Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. [2] Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. [3] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. [4] The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. [5] Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
“Look phobia”
Disagreement
AGE COMPATIBILITY.
Genesis 17:17 (KJV) Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?
1 Peter 3:5-7 (KJV) For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: [6] Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. [7] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
HAVE A GAME PLAN IN PLACE.
IN GENERAL.
RELATIONSHIP.
If my wife miss her car payment the company call me. If she is late with her credit card payment the company call me. It involves me. Not her father nor sisters. If you cannot make adjustment in your life for a spouse, do not seek a spouse because it will not work.
BEWARE OF TUMBLE BUGS.
If you do not do this Satan can use people to plant ill-feelings and doubts in your spirit. And by doing so, they bring a quick end to your marriage. A lady friend of mine went overseas and got married. Her relative know of the man womanizing yet they did not inform her. Even when she came down to married to the man, they stood there and watch her getting married to the man and did not warn her. She return to the state and send for the man, and they still did not tell her of his behavior. The man came up and she is happy. Now the relative began to tell her of the man past behaviors. Why wait until now? Listen to your own hearts, do not make friends and relative plant ill-feelings in you. Do not make them use your head to break up your own life.
MARRYING INTERRACIALLY
BEWARE OF PEOPLE WHO ARE POSSESSED WITH FAMILIAR SPIRITS
Familiar spirit are very friendly evil spirits. You will swear to God that this is one of the nicest person there is, but wait until you move in with them. A person being poses with this spirit can fool almost any Christians, especially Christians in charismatic circles.
THIS PERSON IS A CONTROL FREAKS.
John 16:13 (NASB) "But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.
DO NOT SEEK SAME SEX COUNCILORS.
Sirach 42:13. For just as moths come from garments, so harm to women comes from women “The New American Bible, Saint Joseph Edition.”
Women does not make good women counselors, for women. They tend to take side, and sometime side taking is not going to help your marriage. You need somebody who will help you find a way to make it work. One woman post a massage on the web site. Her Jamaican husband of ten years marriage want too much sex. The truth is if he still want her after ten years of marriage, then he really think well of her.
Sirach 6:7. When you gain a friend, first test him, and be not too ready to trust him. Sirach 6:8 For one sort of friend is a friend when it suits him, but he will not be with you in time of distress. The New American Bible, Saint Joseph Edition.”
Never speak about your spouse to your friends, and if they start a conversation along that line, get up and leave. They are trying to worm their way under your skins.
PRE-MARITAL CONTRACT:
In the world of business, it is not what you deserve you get, but what you negociate for. The same way how a country has to have some kind of constitution, or written document on how that country should be run. It is the same way how the new family or new relationship, will need to have something, or some principles by which the new relationship is going to operate by.
If you are coming into the relationship intend to get and not to give you will need to have that in pre-marital agreement.
The good thing about a premarital agreement is that it make each party aware of what they are getting into. If you want to keep your go-go dancing professions, you will need to have it in the premarital contract. You also need to put a clause in it that you do not want your mate to come watch any of your show. You will have to shake your stuff in people’s face to get your good tips, and you do not want he or she standing there like a head dog over you. If you drink your beer, you will need to have it in the pre-marital contract. If you are a counselor, and have to keep your counseling in confidentiality. You do not want to relate people problems to your mate, you will need to have that in the contract. You do not want an evedropping mate, who keep peeking and poking like a mosquito.
DO NOT FORGET MEDICAL RECORD AND BACKGROUND CHECK.
MIX-RACE MARRIAGE.
You cannot have their favour, and have your spouse at the same time if they disapprove of your decision. Some parents invest thousands of dollars in their children and feel insulted when that child married contrary to the parents will.
Some family have a thing called “ The family secret” Where they want each other and are upset with new comers. Do not push your face where it is not wanted. It does not make sense that you get your face rub in mud. Do not make stupid decisions, then blame it on the lord when you find your life tangle up. Some Christians make me laugh. I was driving down the road with one of my brother in law, he was driving very hard, I asked him why? He replied that it is the Lord that is driving his car so I must not worry. I told him to take away the car from the Lord and drive it himself, because the Lord is driving too rough. Do not act stupid then blame it on the Lord.
One of the reasons why Eastern marriages seem to work, and there are but few divorce, it is the women relative from both sides that chooses the bride. Since they are the one that do the choosing, they do not want to be the ones to do the breaking up. Therefore they try to promote the marriage instead of tearing it down.
MONTHS BEFORE THE MARRIAGE.
LEAVE YOURSELF AN OUT.
One man came into one of our church, and married off himself to one of our strongest black woman, twenty-eight years old, while knowing that he is impotent.
Another lady, married to certain man. The guy would never go to work; he left all the bills on her. Finally, she dumps him. He keep coming back begging to be given one more chance, as soon as she let him back in within two months he is right back to his own self again. She dumps him one last time. He came to her house one morning, they argue, she went into her car, before she move off, she do not know where he went so quickly. She came out of the car to look around, she found him lying down on the ground crossway her car. He prefers to be killed ending his life and her life before making one change.
IF THE RELATIONSHIP GOES BAD, CAN I LEAVE WITHOUT WE HAVE TO KILL EACH OTHER?
LEAVE ROOM FOR RECONCILIATIONS
Let us face the fact, no matter how much education we had on a subject we can go out there and made the worst mistakes of our life, that cause us dearly. Only Jesus Christ can help us with our decision-making.
Proverbs 3:6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
WE must begin, continue, and end every work, purpose, and plan with God. Self-sufficiency and self-confidence have been the ruin of mankind ever since the fall. Man's sin has been to live independently of God. True religion consists of full acknowledgement of God in all human affairs (Proverbs 3:5).
THE END